A Tale of Two Selves: Athlete & Artist

In which my young athlete-self is unimpressed by her future self’s accomplishments:

(Format inspired by Mira Jacob’s Good Talk and this comics exercise from Autobiographix.)

My journey from athlete to artist/writer is one of the main storylines in my forthcoming graphic memoir, The Keeper. I had so many misconceptions about what was possible—or not—for me and my future. I was interested in the literary and artistic life, but my identity seemed fixed: I was An Athlete. I played all the sports. My fourth grade teacher gave each person in the class a certificate: I was “Best Athlete.” My senior class voted me “Most Athletic.” In college I got a plaque: “Top Scholar Athlete.”

This week I’ve immersed myself in the hilarious and moving essays and animated short film created by Melissa Johnson, a former NCAA Division I basketball player at UNC and Harvard, who is now a writer and director telling powerful stories about women. She writes about coaches and fellow athletes (including Brittney Griner), what it’s like to be a 6’4” woman (especially in the dating world), and how she has navigated her own path from athlete to artist.

She contrasts the winning and perfectionism of sports with the rejection and messiness of the artistic life.

In a letter to her 17-year-old self, she writes:

[B]eing an artist entails two things you categorically hate: messiness and not winning . . . but the stories you need to tell won’t leave you alone.

In an interview at Narratively, Johnson contrasts the “game face” required of sports with the “vulnerability” required of storytelling:

[I]nsofar as you’re willing to be vulnerable, you will have the power to make an impact. I’ve had to really work on this, vulnerability does not come naturally or easily to me. Especially from the culture of playing sports, where it’s all about having a game face and being very stoic and badass and not showing any weakness. But vulnerability is not weakness.

These distinctions resonate with me. Art is messy! There’s constant rejection! You have to be vulnerable! Vulnerability requires strength!

But for me, sports were also pretty messy, with plenty of losses and setbacks, and plenty of times I had to be—or, as a goalkeeper, just was—vulnerable. So it turns out that as an athlete I developed a lot of the skills required to be an artist. I learned that good teachers/coaches and teammates can help, that bad ones can mess with your head, that there are specific skills for different sports and positions, and that you have to practice to get better. You have to practice a LOT. For every game, there are often 5-10 practices, weight sessions, the pre-season, the off-season.

When I wanted to become a writer, I put myself in the best training program I knew: graduate school. When I wanted to become a better artist, I started drawing every day—the habit of art, baby. I sought out teachers and classes and community.

For so long I have focused more on the differences between these identities—athlete and artist—and part of my journey has been realizing that there are in fact many similarities and connections, and that training in one helped me navigate the other.

And the fact is: I never practiced as hard or with as much passion at sports as I have at being a writer/artist.

Maybe my young athlete-self (who was also a voracious reader) would secretly be pleased with her future self.

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This week’s inspiration (duh): Melissa Johnson

Watch the first 30 seconds of this brilliant animated short film, “Love in the Time of March Madness,” written and narrated by Melissa Johnson. Once you watch the first 30 seconds, you won’t be able to resist the remaining 8 minutes. :)